shanni1smiles's Diary

stepbystep(2nd edition)

Added: April 11, 2008, 6:38 am  (68 views)
I dont know if im just high off music and movie fumes but i dont know how much longer i can take this whole life thing. im always soooo tired. i try to go to sleep earlier so that the next day i wont be so tired...but it never works. a whole week i didint do any homework at home trying to get some sleep...still didnt work. Yesterday i could barely climb the stairs. I could barely make it into the the lobby of my building. I collapsed on the floor, right inside of the door, crying my eyes out. I hate being a girl. I hate that by despising my emotions, i make myself more like my father...I wish I had a Howard. So anyway, once I picked myself up, I tried to climb the stairs one by one. And I did, I almost made it to the top (where we live, all the way up there) but then...an image of my father in the dream I had the previous night. In that dream, my dad had moved in with his New girlfriend and they were planning a party and for some reason his Current girlfriend [not the New one (i capitalized for less confusion)]. But I was angry with him for bringing another woman around, i had been angry for a while, but i had just decided to tell him how i was feeling. And when I told them, all three of them, they laughed at me. But I wasnt just crying in that moment, (half way up the second flight of stairs) because of the dream either, i think for the first time since all this fell on my head, i cried because i knew (know) that i was (am) going to lose Janet. I had cried in context to janet before but only because i felt, i guess, partially responsible for her pain. I hate crying, i sound so weak.

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