Subscribe to RSS

qtyogal's Diary

Desperate--Not!

Added: October 4, 2004, 2:13 pm  (76 views)
I'm not desperate, am I? I don't want to sound desperate, that's all. I am not desperate, or may think I'm not desperate, but whatever-I-am I don't want to LOOK desperate. I am not desperate. I may be a 'lil obsessed, but not desperate. No—I'm not obsessed. I think I'm kind of depressed. I really wanted to go to that picnic thing. I think if I did, things maybe would've changed a tiny bit, between Erik and I. I mean, we would be able to go in the jump house and be able to finish our wrestling. I often feel so confident that Erik will like me again. Since he will call me, for no particular reason. And, he's always there when I call, so it's not like he's out hanging with you-know-who-who-I-don’t-want-to-mention-her-name-who! So there is no way that I will feel the J word (aka jealousy) when I say HER name, I need to think of a code name to use for her. How about M.U.G? Standing for= Mysterious Unknown Girl. Okay, so its retarded but she IS a mystery to me. I know nothing about her except that her name is Alisha (oh shoot! I said her name) and she is 13, her birthday was a month ago (but Erik doesn’t know when) and she lives at his apartments. He won't tell me what she looks like or anything. So, I don't know what I'm putting myself up against. Although, M.U.G should know that her boyfriend is calling other girls and asking them if they're coming to a picnic and if they want to wrestle, and "…unless you like me more than a friend." She should know! I wish I knew her, so I would know if this is someone I could tell without sounding like, "oh he likes me" around her or if this is someone who would get upset with me, instead of her boyfriend. I'm not doing anything to him! I am not trying to take him from her! Although, she should know these things! At least, now I know what he probably did behind my back, when we were going out and what he'll probably do when we go out again! (It will happen…hopefully. Or at least close to it.) I'm pretty confident that he'll like me again, but I can never be positive. He's currently just playing with my emotions and keeping me confused and clueless.
No one understands the way I like him. And, it hurts when he is being flirty with me, 'cuz I know that he's not mine and it's tough to flirt back without feeling depressed or like a cheat, to his girlfriend. But, he flirts with every girl it seems like! But, I just know what it was like when he liked me. It was different. I would see him TALK to girls, but not the way he did with me. So, it was different. I knew he liked me. Now, it's just weird. 'Cuz I know he has a girlfriend and I know he doesn’t like me (or so he says) but somehow I feel that deep down he still does like me some. He may like M.U.G, but he may like me as well. That happens sometimes. 'Cuz why does he call me then? Right now, I would want more than anything in the world for him to call me right now and either tell me he broke-up with M.U.G (or vise versa) or tell me something that'll just make me all fluttery and just a huge sign that he likes me. "Oh dear God, please help something like that to happen, tonight. And please help me to do well on my History test. And please help me to get motivated about studying! And please help me to find my correcting sheet for Math. Amen." I need to do homework. I have needed to do homework all day. But, I would come up in the attic to do it, and get distracted with my thoughts and think, "Well, I need to write in my diary." Or all these printed conversations of Erik and mine from when he had instant messenger and before we were going out, will distract me. The last time he had instant messenger was the night he asked me out. I feel so special—no, not really. Reading our conversations makes me squeal when I read something sweet or cute he said. But, then I start to miss him and I miss US together. And I start feeling depressed about not being able to go to the picnic today and just about the break-up. If you read my Black Widow parable, that's how I'm feeling right now. The bite still hurts and the lonely, cold, storm is still going on inside of me.
I am feeling depressed and lonely right now. I want it to be tomorrow, right now—'cuz as weird as it is, I feel that I want to go to school. I don't feel like the work, but I feel like the rest of school. I don't feel like calling anyone—especially Erik, or I'll have nothing to say. And I'll once again MAYBE look desperate. And, that is one thing I definitely do not want to seem like. I miss him, but I wouldn't like to be his girlfriend, right now. I would want to be a very true friend of his—as sappy as it may sound—and I want to wrestle with him! That's what I feel like right now! Yup—that's what I want right now. But, its useless to dream about something I know cannot happen. I wish my homework were done. But, the homework can't do itself. So, I'm gonna get going on that (hopefully) and HOPEFULLY Erik will call me in the middle of it. I miss Erik right now. I miss everyone. I miss my friends—but I am just annoyed of them right now, and I don't know why. I want Erik as my friend. I am up in my attic, and it is getting hot up here, and just really lonely. I don't feel like doing anything—I want Erik.

Newest    Previous    Next    Oldest    

Create Comment.

Title:

Body:


Author: