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qtyogal's Diary

Black Widow

Added: October 4, 2004, 2:01 pm  (70 views)
I find myself standing outside in the cold, waiting for someone to notice me; waiting for someone to come find me and be with me. Chills run down my back and I hold onto my goose-bumped arms. "Hello? Is anyone there? Someone?" I scream out. But, there is no reply. I search for a jacket, a warm hand, or just someone to stand with me and bear it. The sky crackles with thunder and rain drops as big as teaspoons. My soaking hair drapes over my shoulders and the harsh wind starts to blow it in a way that it slaps against my face. But, I do not cry. I do not have to even bite my lip, for the tears aren’t coming to me. But, I know they're in there somewhere way down deep, I just haven't found them yet.
I am starting to ignore the cold and loneliness. I am trying to think about superior things when something from above lands on me. At first, I scream but then I realize that things were already bad enough, so why should I fret? The small, black creature with its big belly and red dots crawls down the back of my shirt, and I cringe when it bites at my shoulder. I wipe the deadly spider away and I fall to my knees. I lay my head down and reach out my arms, as I grasp onto the mud that surrounds me. My shoulder shrieks out in stinging pain, and a throb runs through my whole body. My heart feels as if it is shrinking and getting more compact and harder to move. My whole body feels as if it is swelling inside and wants to burst open. I turn so that I am now sprawled out on my back and facing towards the stormy, dark sky. I close my eyes and let the cold rain fall upon me, letting it seep into my clothes. I lay there, expecting to die, but without realizing it, that in some ways I am already dead. My eyes are tightly shut and I drift into a deep sleep.
When I awake, hours later, I find that I am curled up in a grassy meadow. Tall grass and little white flowers hide me. Everything is still damp outside from the rain, but the sun is brightly shining through the clouds, and landing upon me. I sit up and my head feels very heavy and hot. My head spins around in circles, and my shoulder feels as if it is about to break-off. The pain is much deeper in the body, now. I feel warm on the outside, but inside the storm is still going on. There is a bleeding inside and I also feel very sick. Soon after, I am surrounded by comforting people, who want to be with me. But, I do not feel comforted. The pain is still there, even if I have people with me. I am glad that I have people who care, so I smile. But, only a counterfeit smile. For I still feel the storm going on inside of me, and the bite still hurts.

This is a way to describe how my relationship and relationship ending with Erik was like. If you read it again, you may understand better. Now, that you know it describes our relationship and how it was like to end it. And for some of you slow people, let me explain.
Please read the first sentence of this parable, I made up. It represents when we were going out and I often felt very alone and "cold' and just waiting for someone (aka Erik perhaps) to come be with me. And then where it tells me screaming out for someone to come to me, and there is no reply. That is how I felt with Erik. I felt I was calling for him, but there was no reply. So, that whole first paragraph explains me and "searching" for him and just hoping he would come to me, but hr was never there. And I was just alone in this "storm."
Then, to start the second paragraph it says I start to ignore the cold and the loneliness. And, that's what I started to do with Erik. I would try to forget that he would ignore me and not always come to me. Then, the spider represents Erik. When he came to me, I knew it was something bad, but I screamed inside, but I did not fret because I already knew it was bad before. Then, once the spider bit me it represented the break-up. And, now that I have explained some of it, I think you could probably guess the rest. My favorite part of the parable was that, at the end I was surrounded by people who tried to comfort me because of the "bite" (aka break-up) and I'd smile. The outside of me was "warm" and "sunny." But, the inside of me was a stormy nightmare and I am still hurting from the "bite." Are you getting this yet? Just read it again, and you'll see. You'll get it.

The Black Widow bite still hurts.

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