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qtyogal's Diary

Taking A Breath

Added: September 28, 2004, 7:59 pm  (63 views)
So, this is what it’s all about. Breaking-up. Where you get that deep, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. That feeling of hopelessness. Along with a mixture of confusion, sadness, and anger. Yesterday, I wasn’t so confused after the break-up. Since I was sort of expecting that. Although, I was wondering WHY—but that’s another story. Yesterday—as you would have guessed—I was crying. For what? Was I said? Was I disappointed? Was I in love with Erik, who I had lost? I was I disappointed in myself? Why was I crying? Why do people cry when they break up, anyway? When, sometimes it could be for the best. Aww man, he might of thought so, but whatever he was thinking—he must have been messed-up at the time. ‘Cuz I very strongly believe this was not for the best. At least I have my head on straight and I haven’t gone completely insane—yet. I know, the more I blabber on about this issue the sappier I’ll sound—so I’m warning you. And please excuse my sappy talk. So, I started telling people that he didn’t deserve my tears. And, now I’m actually stating to believe my words. Okay, so he doesn’t deserve my tears over him but he does deserve to see me sad and upset. I want him to see what he’s done. But, I was so stupid today. I might of thought I looked real darn cute—but that’s not the point. I still looked stupid, by the way I was acting. I never looked him in the eye—afraid I would fill up with tears. Although, there was one time at lunch when I turned around and he happened to be right there—looking at me. But, I just looked away. I didn’t cry once today. I think people need to understand that I am stronger than I may sometimes seem. I didn’t cry—but there were times when I felt like standing up in the middle of class and screaming! Just because I was thinking about him. I felt like hurting someone. I wanted to take Erik, shove him against a locker, scar his chest with my scratch of my nails, and then plant the deepest kiss on him. Then, I would look up and give him the meanest look I have ever given anyone. I would quickly turn and have my hair purposely whip him in the face leaving him stranded in the lonely jr. high hallway, with all but a scent and a beading chest with deadly scratch marks. Without looking back, he would have to watch me walk away with the most heart breaking smirk and my chin in the air. Muahahaha. Raaarr!
No—I didn’t want to hurt him. I wanted to kiss him and make him realize how much of a moron he was for letting me go. But, haha, reality check, Amy! I would never be able to do something like that. 1) I’m not brave enough. And (2) it’s not physically possible, for me. Although… I would never know, because I am never going to try it. Kissing—not so hard. Takes bravery, but not as hard as some things—is what I’m saying. But, the other stuff? Nope, sorry. Not me. I’ll pass.
~Side Note 2 Self~
Amy, stop chickening out! You don’t have to have a perfect timing, just kiss him already. It’s too late—but you should do it before it gets even later. And you shouldn’t care about your rep, anymore. So, get motivated girlfriend! Goal: Kiss Erik—tomorrow! And don’t cry when he gets upset or tries to push you away. Be strong. Love, Me
Okay, well back to today. In the morning nothing happened, except the girls at school (7th and 8th) were telling me they were sorry about what happened and asking if I was okay. And I was! Okay… not really, but I tried not to show how much I was dying inside. Every time Erik came around the corner I would start laughing with my friends, even if I didn’t feel like it. And, now thinking back, I think I should’ve just gone ahead and cried—right in front of him. But, knowing from past experiences all that does is make guys want to get out of your way. So, maybe what I did was best. But, who knows though, right? Surprisingly, I accidentally took Danielle’s advice about staying away from Erik. But, for a moment of honesty: I missed Erik, today. :( After lunch time, I probably talked to EVERYONE but Erik. No kidding. I was going to all the little groups of people. Girls & Guys. 7th & 8th. I was in a very expressive mood. But, not to Erik. I mainly talked to Tyler and Josh—7th grader guys. They’re probably the coolest 7th grader guys, other than Erik, at least I think so. Tyler is the kind of person who is small, ugly, and is always being picked on. He is a cry baby and sometimes very annoying. But, I don’t really mind him and he’s fun to talk to. It’s really freaky but I actually think he understands a little bit how I feel about Erik. And the people who know him would probably be completely shocked and freaked out about this too. But, he’s cool and he’s someone I can talk to, that’s all. Now, Josh. Josh is super cool. I don’t get why there’s not one girl who likes him. Sara liked hi, but she wouldn’t go out with him for whatever reason(s). Josh is kina medium-height for his age (shorter than me) and over weight. He’s not cute or anything at all. But, I can’t believe I even thought that about him. Because he is so cool to talk to. He’s one of the coolest guys in 7th and 8th grade. I think he’s just a but misunderstood. He and I were talking about what love is—on the rafting trip. He was saying, “What is love anyway? And how do we know when we love someone? How do we know FOR SURE what love is?” Now, some people may read this and think, “Oh! That’s easy. I could answer that.” Ya, well it got me to thinking. So, about a week ago I write a two-page paper that was called, “What is love?” And, I really want people to read it. ‘Cuz I think I covered some really good things, in my paper. When, I find it I will add to jemdiary ASAP. Well, anyways Josh is just the kinda person to talk to about that kinda stuff. So, after lunch I was talking to everyone—but, mainly Tye (Tyler) and Josh. I was saying, “I don’t think Erik gets it. You can’t like someone as much as he said he liked me, and then just not like them anymore for no particular reason.” Then, that’s when the truth all came out. A bunch of people—and I mean A BUNCH were telling me that there was this other girl at his apartments that he liked. And Tyler and Josh said he didn’t even know her though—so why would he dump ME for some girl that he’s just gonna try to work his magic with. My friends thought I would be crying over that—but, I was being strong. Although, I was dying inside and I wanted to cry to Erik and yell, “Why! Was I not good enough!?” Then, other ppl were saying that there just wasn’t enough communication between us. NOT ENOUGH COMMUNICATION!? Huh! That pissed me off soooo much, I cannot even begin to explain my anger. I talked to him every time I saw him. And, that was a lot, okay? He was the one who wouldn’t talk to me. I would say something and he’d say some kinda excuse that he had to go, or he had to do something… or WHATEVER. And, yesterday in soccer (before the break-up) I went up to him and asked with tears hiding behind my eyes, “Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” Now he gave me the most ridiculous reply: “I don’t know.” And shrugged and gave me this smile that said, “Sorry…can you go now?” So, I left. I ran off the soccer field and Mrs. Kramer asked where I was going (and I know I probably got major points marked off in P.E. but I didn’t care.) I went to sit on the steps and mope. But, that was yesterday. That was when everything he did would crush me with everyone word he’d say and everything he did confused me and I never really knew what he was really feeling. That was after when he started to avoid me more and more as the days went on… and then yesterday was the biggest of ‘em all where he hardly talked to me at all and was being really rude to me—and then let me go. I shouldn’t even phrase it like that: let me go. It sounds so wrong. I should’ve been the one to let HIM go. But, I knew I would’ve never been able to get myself to do that. So, today as the day got later and later and my heart started to break more and more I started to breath. Just take long breathes. I was putting him aside, right now… trying to get on with my life. I needed to not let my grades drop, and I needed to eat—so I wouldn’t become anorexic. I just needed to stop—take a good look at my life right now—and breathe. That’s why I titled this entry, “Taking a Breath.” Today—I was taking a breath. When, I got home I was being “naughty.” Since, I couldn’t stop thinking about Erik. And it was really moronic ‘cuz I started listening to music in French, since I couldn’t understand it—so it made me feel that I could explain my whole life right now—right into that song. Well, I need to go. So, catch ya l8ter. And, I’m gonna go call Erik so I can yell at him, some more, and have a reason to cry, this time, as I go to sleep.

Oh ya! One more thing. I have been really tired today. One reason because I was up a lot thinking about you-know-who and Taryn called me at 5:50 AM just to say, “Goodmoring Sunshine!” LOL. She’s such a good friend. Okay, well I know I needed to have my entry end with something a lot more cheerful—so I decided just to add that in really quick. Hehehehe.

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