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qtyogal's Diary

a predictable disintegrate

Added: September 27, 2004, 9:15 pm  (57 views)
I wrote this in school today, in my second to last class:

-Confused-
I am confused w/ Erik. We are going to break up very soon- I will bet you. Not by me, of coarse. Him! Him! Him! All him. He is not talking to me, and when I try to talk to him he acts as if he wishes I were away. I need to do something, about this. It will be daring of me and take a heck a lot of guts but I’m pretty determined to do something. Something I REALLY hope I won’t regret and hopefully change whatever is currently shoved up Erik’s butt.

So, I wrote that a class before my last class. And I wrote him a note exactly like this:

Erik,
Do you still like me? Why don’t you talk to me? I’m confused.
--Amy—
P.S. Write back, plz. You can put it in my cubby or locker # 58.

Exactly like that. I put it in his cubby, then I went to my next class. After that—I was ready to master my plan. What I had mentioned, where I had written my “confused” paper. I was planning on kissing him! I really was gonna do it this time! I knew break-up time was near and things were going way down hill w/ us, so I knew this was something I needed to do. Something that I wasn’t sure he would like, but I know it was something I had to do. So, I was walking around looking for him, when I ran into Taryn. She passed me this evil glare and so I had to ask her why she wasn’t talking to me, today. She said, “’Cuz, when I asked you why you were mad at everyone, this morning, you said you couldn’t tell me. So, I said I wouldn’t talk to you, so that’s what I’m doing.” I replied, “Well, I couldn’t tell you, ‘cuz I couldn’t tell anyone—‘cuz I don’t know why I was mad. I just was.” Taryn started walking away, then a couple times she would stop and glare back at me. I didn’t know what was her problem, so I just left her alone. Then, as I looked around for Erik, in the halls, Derek came up to me and handed me a piece of folded binder paper. “It’s from Erik,” he said, “and it’s not good.” “I sorta figured that,” I said. It took me a while to actually open up the paper. I already knew what it was—so why should I bother? He is so darn predictable—I already knew it was a break up note. The whole predictable thing with him used to be funny and cute—now I was P.O.’d that he was so predictable, about breaking up. I read it, shoved it in my locker, slammed the door and hurried towards the tutoring room. Why? ‘Cuz the person I needed right then, was there: Taryn. My eyes felt hot and I bit my lip to keep the tears from flowing. I looked through the window of the tutoring room and motioned to Taryn to come out. She flung the door open. “What!?” she angrily yelled. The tears started to build up in my eyes and Taryn noticed something was wrong, so her voice got calmer. “What is it?” she asked. I leaned my head against the wall and took a deep but shaky breath. “Erik broke up with me,” I sobbed. “When!?” she yelled. “What did he say?” “Just now,” I cried, “He said he couldn’t keep a relationship and all this…” I started stuttering with my words and said, “This… this… crap.” I put my head on her shoulder and sobbed. I put my arm around her, but she didn’t return the hug. “Amy,” she said, “Breathe. Breathe.” I tried to, but it was hard without crying. “Taryn,” I sobbed, “Just make me happy. Do something that’ll make me happy.” Taryn took my arms and started waving my hands and singing, “Happy, happy, happy…” and it made me laugh, but more tears just came out. Then she took my arm and started hitting me with it and saying, “Stop hitting yourself.” I started laughing and crying and it was hard to stop. Then, Taryn hugged me and said, “Amy, I love you, but I got to go to tutoring. Go tell Alex.” So, I said goodbye then went to Alex, like she said. Once she saw me she said, “Oh my goodness, have you been crying? What’s wrong?” I whimpered and sort of walked around, fidgeting, and wondering what to say. “Uh…” I said with tears in my eyes and my voice shaking. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Here,” I said, and opened my locker. I handed her the note, ripping it in some spots. “Stupid note,” I said. I wanted to rip it up, put it in my mouth and chew on it, then spit it out, stomp on it, and then have my dog come crap on it. Alex read it, then filled me with hugs and telling me how sorry she was. A lot of people started asked what was wrong and I either shook my head or told them straight out. Alice started laughing a little and said, “And, I thought you guys would last a long time.” Ya, well, going out for 2 weeks and liking each other 3 weeks, before that… isn’t very long at all. A grand total of 5 weeks, basically. *Pathetic and sad.* Katie and Stefani tried to cheer me up. And Katie got into this story about how moths became ugly. Just to get my mind off of you-know-who. Then, I went to the bathroom to try to wash some of the salty tears off my face. Then the thought came to me, “Hey! I still haven’t given Erik his kiss.” Ya, so you think I’m crazy. But, I thought it would be an appropriate thing to do to say, “goodbye” to our whatever-we-had relationship. I never told you about the note he gave me, yet. It’s still in my locker, at school, and I don’t think I can remember it word-for-word, but I’ll try:

Amy,
I think it would be better if we were just friends. I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. Sorry.
Erik

Okay, now let me interpret the letter for you. Just, to show you how I can read between the lines, a little. Okay, now here’s what the letter looked like in my eyes:

Amy,
I don’t like you anymore. I probably like your sister or some other little brat, in 7th grade. But I am dumping you to get you off my shoulders and out of my head. I’m not sorry, because if I was I would be doing something about it to show you that I am truly sorry. And, I don’t really wanna be friends with you because a lot of people just say that, to be polie, when they break up. And, no, I’m not ready for a relationship—as you know, but you and I both know that I will still try to have one with someone other than you.
No Love,
Erik
P.S. You’re not good enough for me!

So, after all that drama and terror, Danielle and my sister came up to me with these snotty smirks and asked what was wrong. But, I bet they already knew because they were secretly smiling. And, it wasn’t very secretive—‘cuz I could so tell. I put out my pinkie and cried to my sister, “Don’t go out with him. PLEASE don’t go out with him.” “No!” my sister said in kind of a loud and annoying way. I said, “Why!?” And then I said, “Just not until a month from now. Please, Julia. PLEASE!” But, she wouldn’t pinkie swear. She said she probably wouldn’t but she still wanted her freedom. And, that makes sense but I couldn’t understand why my sister would want to hurt her sister so bad by going out with her ex. But, now I do. I understand now. I wen t out HER ex—didn’t I? So, now I know how she felt. If my ex-boyfriend went out with my sister that’d be just beyond weird. And that is what happened to her! And that is probably what’ll happen to me!! “Okay, God, I understand. Can I have Erik back now?” *I laugh and cry at the same time.* This is just too much for me, right now. I feel ugly. I feel stupid. I feel that I have loved for the first time—and lost it for the first time. And I never even knew that was possible at my age. I feel that I am not good enough. And I KNOW Erik is a coward—about can’t even breaking up w/ me to my face. But, I love him. And love doesn’t go away that easily.

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