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qtyogal's Diary

Disappointing Day

Added: September 25, 2004, 8:55 am  (69 views)
(I wrote this on Thursday.)

Everything today seemed disappointing. Even, soccer. I couldn’t do anything right, out on the field, and I had just ran two full laps (I was one of the only ones who ran the whole thing.) And I felt like I wanted to collapse and Erik wasn’t really talking to me, so I felt really crummy and for some reason I felt like I wanted to cry. Nothing had happened—I just felt that way. Like everything wasn’t going my way. (And right now, I feel like calling up Taryn and crying to her.) Just because, she is a good friend and she knows how I feel, because she gets in these sorts of moods all the time. I feel like crying right now, and actually, I am a little. I don’t know why—I’m just sitting here and I’m crying. I feel so sad, and I don’t really know why. It almost feels like I have been dumped or SOMETHING… but, I wasn’t. I promise. But, right now, tears are streaming down my face and I don’t feel good at all. I mean, I don’t feel sick or anything—I just don’t feel good about I-don’t-really-know-what.
Okay, so I woke up this morning—late. I was having a good dream and my covers were feeling really warm, so I didn’t want to get out of bed. Although, I sorta wanted to get on the computer and write about my dream. But, I didn’t have time. So, I got ready and then I went to school. I was semi-early so I was hoping that Erik would be there, and walk up to me. But, he was out playing basketball. I put my stuff down, then I went to go talk to Naomi and Taryn. But, they weren’t sitting in the sun, and I was cold, so I went in the sun, and then the bell rang. So, I went back up by the bench (by Mr. Sanford’s room) and got my stuff, to go in. I looked down at the basketball area, to see where Erik was, and he was there and he was looking at me, and he saw me look at him. But, I just turned away. I don’t know why. A lot of people were saying that I looked mad or something—but I wasn’t. I don’t know what I felt like. And Meryssa said, “Well, when you feel mad, I feel glad!” And I just said, “I’m not even gonna bother,” and walked away. Meryssa annoys me so much, sometimes. So, that was one of the first things just to make my day worse. Then, I was walking in the halls and Erik ran up beside me, and said, “I’m taller.” And I didn’t say anything. And then he said, “Betcha didn’t see that coming.” And I just shook my head. Inside, I really, really wanted to talk to him, and hang out with him n’ stuff. But, for some reason I wasn’t showing what I was feeling. Then, I went to class. And we did ITBS tests—boring. Then, we had our break. So, I thought, “Oh good… now I can hang out with Erik.” But, omg, I didn’t. I was so mad at myself afterward. Most of the time, I was just walking around the black top, on the bottom playground, with Alex. And we were talking about jemdiary n’ stuff—believe it or not. And, I walked past Erik a bunch of times, and every time I walked by him I was saying to myself, “Okay, next time, I’m gonna go up to him and say something.” But… Alex had to go to the bathroom, so I went with her there. And, then the bell rang. So, I went to class and we did more ITBS tests—until we were done with them! Yey! And then it was lunchtime. And I said to myself, “Okay… Amy, you have not spoken to Erik at all, today… you need to sit with him at lunch or go up to him until you start having a conversation.” But, I didn’t. I just sat with my friends, and after lunch Taryn or Naomi weren’t feeling good and I was giving them back rubs. And, I know Erik was watching me, and I was glancing at him once and a while. We do that a lot. I will sometimes look his direction, or he’ll look mine, and it’s like we’re both thinking the same: go over there. But, sometimes we don’t. And, sometimes we do. But, today just was a “don’t” day I guess. And, that really sucked. And, so the rest of the day I just wasn’t feeling good at all. I really wanted to hang out with Erik—that’s all I wanted. Then, after lunch Taryn, Naomi, and I were swinging and Erik started to walk our direction and Naomi opened her big mouth and said, “Hey Erik! Come swing with us! I mean, Amy!” And I said, “Naomi, no.” (As in stop embarrassing me.) Erik didn’t say anything. Then, she said, “Erik, are sure you like Amy?” and he’s like, “Yeah.” And she said, “Well, why don’t you come swing with her?” And I said, “Naomi, no. Shut up.” That is one of my biggest pet peeves. When, my friends get involved with everything. Especially with Erik and I. When, we first started to like each other and go out, my friends were hardly involved and we always had so much fun together. And, he told me that he likes it that I don’t go and talk to my friends about everything. And, now he’s gonna think I do. So, before PE—when we were in the changing room I said to Naomi and Taryn, “You guys, please don’t talk to Erik about me. It just embarrasses me. I just don’t want people involved.” And Taryn didn’t really say anything but Naomi said, “Well, if you don’t want me to talk to Erik, then I guess I won’t talk to you.” And in my head, I was thinking, “What the heck? What kind of reasoning is that!?” So, I just decided to walk away from the problem. And, as I turned around to walk out the changing room door, the mirror was in front of me, and I just saw my face expression. It was kind of a sad/disappointing “well, what do I do now?” kind of look. It was weird. So, I went out to the gym and I just shot some hoops until Ms. Nina blew the whistle for us to get in our spots. As we were stretching and all that stuff, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I even felt like crying a little. It was just one of those days. One of those “feel like crying days” where nothing is really going wrong, yet everything is going wrong. You know what I mean? Then, we had to go out and do 2 laps, and I asked Alex if she wanted to do them with me. And, she said she would. But, I ended up going ahead of her and running two full laps. I think I was the only one—or one of the only ones who ran the whole two. On the first one, Erik and some guys were sitting on the bench and Erik jumped out in front of me. And, I think he was trying to make me laugh or something, but I was tired from running and I didn’t feel like laughing. Then, on the second lap, when I was even more tired, I ran on the other side of the bench—where Erik wasn’t—and someone said, “Hey Erik…?” as in (hey Erik, Amy’s on this side.) Then, we played soccer and I collapsed in the field a few times, just because I was so tired. And, I never kicked the ball once. I attempted to, a few times, but I missed. And I was just so tired, and Alex and I were doing a hand game and Erik was trying to mimic us, just to make me laugh… but it wasn’t helping. And, near the end of the game, I don’t know why, but I just felt like crying. And I told Alex and Taryn that. I went up to Taryn and said, “Taryn, I feel like crying.” And I actually started crying a little. And Taryn said, “You already are crying.” And I said, “Well, think of something that’ll make me laugh.” And she did a few little things that made me laugh a little. But, it wasn’t really helping. Then, when PE was over, and I was walking to go change, I really wanted to talk to Erik. Just because I hadn’t really talked to him at all. Only a few things in soccer—but not much. And, I just felt like crying—again. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME!!? Then, I went to class and I was feeling really exhausted and not good at all, and I just did some work. Then, after school I went over to Erik and I said, “hey” and all he said, was “sup.” Like, he always does. And, then he started hitting Nik with his sweater. And, I wanted to get in the fight, but then he wanted to go talk to somebody. So I don’t know—does he still like me as much as he used to? Then, everyone was doing kicks—and I could go the highest. But, whatever. Then, Naomi and Taryn wanted to do some hop-on-one-foot-thing, with me. And Taryn accidentally pushed me over and I landed really hard on my butt. And, my butt is still really sore from that. And, everyone was asking if I was okay---and yea, I was. Just my butt kinda felt a little out of place. LOL. And, Erik didn’t even say anything. I felt really bad. Then, I had to do yearbook. And I told Alex to hold on, ‘cuz I wanted to tell Erik, just in case he left before I got out. But, I walked out and was about to go up to him. But, I didn’t. I really don’t know what is wrong with me l8tly. I am always hesitating on things now, and feel like crying a lot of the time. So, I went to yearbook. And we got our cameras today! Yey! But, I have to share one with Alex. But, that’s okay. So, we went out to the day care area and were taking pictures of everybody. I tried to take a few of Erik, but he just turned away. So, I don’t know. Then, I had to go—but I was still in yearbook, so Dad just went and sat in the shade, and waited. Then, I said I had to go, so I got out of yearbook early, and went on the playground to see what Erik was doing. And, he was playing some throw-the-football game with some people in his class. (Including my sister.) And, I don’t know why—but I really, really, really felt like crying then. And Justin said I looked sick and if I was okay—and I said I was, and I just sat down and watched.

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