Subscribe to RSS

qtyogal's Diary

Disenchantment

Added: September 25, 2004, 8:17 am  (66 views)
It is 7:11 right now on a Saturday morning. I just woke up so my fingers have to adjust to the typing. Since, they are numb and un-flexible. Okay, whatever. I have an entry that I have to add that I wrote on Thursday. Actually, it will take up two entries because it is so long. One will be titled, “Disappointing Day” and the other will be called, “Spoiled Milk (2)” The reason I titled one something like, “Spoiled Milk” is because I think I need to start having interesting and weird titles, for my entries. Something that explains the thing—but in a way that makes you think. Because, I am weird and there’s no problem in adding more weirdness to me. :)
Nothing happened today, so far. So, I will tell you about yesterday. Yesterday—I woke up and I was at my dad’s house. I got ready, went to school, and I wasn’t that early but I really wanted to hang out with Erik since the day before was such a disappointment (which you can read about in my two entries that will be added after this.) All morning and all the day before I had been praying and just saying, “Oh please, have Erik call me. Please have Erik leave me a message. Please have Erik get online. Please have Erik talk to me tomorrow. Please have something great happen tomorrow with Erik…” and so on. So, I was at school and I was feeling so-so. Just un-sure of what would happen today. And as stupid as it may seem, I had been thinking that I would kiss him today. I really wanted to. We seem to have been drifting apart, and I just wanted to “get back together.” Well, he wasn’t there at school, right away. And usually he is always there, before I am. But, then I saw him walking up to the school, and I walked up to him. He didn’t really show any expression, but I hope he was happy to see me. I said, “hey.” And he said, “’sup.” And I didn’t say anything and he said, “When did you get here?” and I said, “About 2 minuets ago.” And he said, “Oh.” And I said, “ya.” And we walked down to the playground together, without talking. I felt really uncomfortable. Something was different—it just was. And, I have no idea what to do. Someone, please help me. “God, please help something great to happen with Erik and I, so I won’t feel so bad all the time and I don’t get that feeling that things have changed. Or if they have—for the best of it. Amen.” So, we walked down to the playground and he was gonna play basketball or something, and I was gonna sit and watch. (See if he asks me to play.) But, then the bell rang. So, we walked up the steps together—without talking—again. But, then he stood tall beside me and said, “I’m taller.” I laughed—but I didn’t say anything. That is one thing he almost always says to break the silence. It’s kinda cute. I need to start speaking up more, as well. Because I’m sure he feels just as uncomfortable. Then, we went to class. Sometimes, while in the halls he would say, “I’m taller.” One time he said that and I’d said, “Your predictable.” And he said, “So are you.” And I yelled, “Not as much as you!” He is so much fun. I just wish we had more time to spend together so we could have more fun. And usually near the end of the day, he starts avoiding me or SOMETHING. Because we always used to hang out after school. And, now it seems we never do. It’s sad. :( It is one of the worst feelings in the world. I like him so much. I can’t let this happen to me. I need to spend more time with him than my friends. I know, you probably think I’m stupid. But, he said he liked it when I didn’t go to my friends and tell them everything. So, he likes it when they’re not involved. And, I like that too. But, now it seems like they are—and I just want them to SHUT UP sometimes and leave me alone to hang out with Erik. Like, Back to School Night. That was fun!! Just Erik and I. Okay, after school I wasn’t really hanging out with anyone. I watched Erik from a distance and I sat down next to Stefani, on the wall—in my usual place. The usual place that Erik and I always use to sit by each other after school. Erik walked by and I said, “hey” and he said, “’sup” and then he picked up his stuff, which was next to mine and I asked if he was leaving and he said, “No… I’m just gonna go sign-in to daycare.” He has never done this before! I know him—or used to, anyways. He would rather hang out with me than go into daycare. Wouldn’t he? WOULDN’T HE!? I felt really hurt. I didn’t know what to do. I laid my head down in my jacket and Stefani just kinda laughed and said, “Guys.” Alyssa came over and Stefani started to walk off with her, and she motioned for me to come. But, I said I was gonna go over to the day care area. So, I went over there. I went to talk to Meryssa and Anne and whoever else was there, at the time—sitting by Mr. Sanford’s room. And I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, really. But, I knew I couldn’t just sit there, on the wall, feeling bad for myself. So, I don’t even know what we talked about. But, Meryssa was just being her preppy self, and I just kind of ignored it. And wasn’t really paying attention to anything anyone was saying. Larissa could tell something was wrong with me, though. She asked if something was wrong and if I was okay and I said, “Nothing’s wrong.” But, something was wrong—but a lot of the time people just deny it, when something’s wrong they don’t wanna talk about. We all know that. I just stood there, with my arms crossed and tapping one of my arms, with my fingers. I sorta walked back and fourth and kept looking down at the basketball courts where Erik was, and back out to the parking lot to see if my mom was there. I was acting very—I don’t know—just, weird. And, I was doing whatever I could to keep myself from crying. So, I tried not to comment on any of Meryssa’s stupid comments about me—because I knew if I opened my mouth I might start crying. That happens a lot. I just said, “Look, I don’t really feel like dealing with you right now. So, please stop.” Then, my mom drove up. I walked pretty slowly to the car, because I kept having to stop and look back at Erik. I was hesitating, if I should go say goodbye or just leave and see how he feels. I know that I would regret not going back. So, I put my stuff down in the car, and luckily Julia wasn’t out of her violin lesson, yet, so I got to go back. For some weird reason, I went back to where Meryssa, Larissa, and Anne were sitting. I just stood there—and then, I said to myself, “Okay, Amy… your gonna have to leave really soon. Just, go say goodbye!” So, I walked down to the basketball quarts and Chane’ was there and she said, “Hi Amy,” so surprisingly that actually helped me not feel so uncomfortable. Erik and Chris were there doing who-knows-what with the basketball, other than playing basketball. I was about to sit down next to Chane’ but I knew I couldn’t waist time. I was going to kiss him! I walked straight up to him and said, “I have to go now, so I just wanted to say bye.” He said, “Your leaving?” and I said, “Ya.” And he said, “Now?” and I said, “Well, in like 5 minuets.” I turned around to look at the parking lot to see if Julia was out of her lesson, yet, and if she was at the car. She wasn’t. Erik’s eyes seemed to follow where mine were going. Then, Chris shot a side shot, with the basketball, and missed, and instead hit Erik in the head. Chane’ started laughing and I laughed a little too—but I wasn’t done with him. Not yet. Erik went after the basketball so he could go after and “kill” Chris. But, instead I grabbed him and said a soft, “wait.” But, I don’t think he heard me. He turned around and looked at me kind of confused like, “whatcha do that for?” One of my hands had a tight grip on his arm and the other soon on his neck. I narrowed in and I gave him a strong but short kiss on the lips. I quickly let go and stepped back, just to get a hold of myself. I bit my lip. Apart of me wanted to smile, but I didn’t know how Erik would react. There was a moment of silence, where everything seemed as if someone had pushed the “pause” button on the world. Then Lucas, who was near by said loudly, “Amy!” like, “Amy… wow, that was kind of sudden.” And broke the silence. My eyes turned off Erik and I turned towards the others who had seen the whole thing. A huge grin came across my face. I couldn’t hide it any longer. I shrugged and I felt my face getting hot with embarrassment. But, a good-embarrassment. I looked back at Erik, and he was smiling too. I took another step backward until I found myself sitting next to Chane’ by the basketball quarts. Erik ran after Chris—now, it was time to “kill” him for hitting him in the head with a basketball. I watched him and I laughed. Chane’ backed up from me a little and said, “Wow… Amy!” I just gave a shrug, and stared straight ahead out across the empty basketball quarts, with a huge smile on my face.

I had done it!

Newest    Previous    Next    Oldest    

Create Comment.

Title:

Body:


Author: