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aLLISONSYLVIA's Diary

Bed

Added: July 12, 2004, 5:24 pm  (40 views)
God I hated Today. I rate my days as Great....Good...Bad...and then just off. Today was one of those off days. And I don't really have any reason to feel as sad as I do. I got home from Ellsworth around 9am and then by 5ish I started to feel completely depressed. Usually something triggers it, but today nothing remotely bad at all happened. I have just been on the verge of tears since around 5. I can't sit still either. Everyone I call to talk to can't talk. I even called my mother, as a last resort, and she wasn't even available for me to vent off to. I retraced my day, but nothing seems to be a trigger for today's sadness. Maybe it's just a mood swing. Or maybe I'm coming down with something. I know its not "The Dreaded Week." "The Dreaded Week" is my once a month sadness. For some strange reason every month I have one week where I am just completely depressed. I haven't had a "Dreaded Week" in a few months though, so maybe it's just catching up to me now. Anyway since no one is around except Lex and I, I feel completely sad and lonely and I haven't cried yet, but I know I will once it comes time for sleep. I hate it when my family sees me crying. They always ask me what the matter is and I have no answer. It makes me uncomfortable. What am i supposed to tell them? "Well nothing really....I just get like this and cry like a baby for no reason sometimes." They don't understand, and neither do I. Maybe it's just a way I relieve stress, but it seems to cause more stress then relieve. I hate to be alone. I haven't been alone for days and the one day I am alone I crack. I'm all tense as well. The pulled muscles from the concert last night aren't helping, but my whole body is just tense. I think I'm developing panic attacks. Just mild ones so far. Sometimes, over the smallest things or just for no reason, I start to panic a little. My chest gets tight and I have a harder time breathing. I loose all urge to eat that I may have had and I feel as if I'm going to pass out. I usually lay down and cry for a few hours at the least and then feel better after, but it's an awful feeling. Being so sad with no one to turn to for fear of embarrassment...and it all happens for no reason. Well thats enough for me tonight. I'm off to wait for :"The asshole" to come home, if he does, sometimes he just doesn't bother coming home or even calling to let me know he isn't. I'll probably read and maybe cry. I'll feel better after if I do. [B][/B]

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