GurlInLuv's Diary

Encouraging and Reassuring Thinking Process

So when I got back to my mom's house after church I decided that I wanted to eat at home. Lately I have been wanting to eat at home. Don't know why but it just feels right. Plus I have food that I need to eat as to not to waste it. Anyways, that's not the point of this journal entry. My parents live in a mobile home park so the parking is a ways down from the house blah blah blah you have to kinda drive around to get out of the park. Well a lot of the people I grew up with still live in the park, granted I'm not friends with them anymore. Why you ask? Well to be straight honest... they're losers. Let me explain... one guy I dated, Victor (by the way I dated him when I was 14 so I don't count that lol)... he is just a straight loser. Ok, this is getting complicated let me just explain my thoughts (which could also be complicating but we'll try)...

I was driving by Victor's house as I'm driving up to it a lot of thoughts came through my head, so many thoughts, and it's hard to believe b/c it only took a few seconds to drive by. Victor was walking out of his house and down his porch and into his drive way. I thought ok, here is a guy that is a year older than me, so 22 and he has done nothing with his life...  and i was wondering if he ever envied me? Not like I want him to... but in a way I wonder if he ever thinks, man I wish my life was put together like Jessica's... (not like my life is all perfect and there is no problems...) this is coming out how it was in my mind. Ok so I was thinking and kinda comparing my life to his... I have a nice car, I live on my own, yeah I'm struggling but I have my own place and my own life, and a pretty nice job that doesn't pay much lol, but it's a career. And here this guy is still living with his mom, no job, no idea what he wants to be, drives his mom's car, and still hangs out on the streets with all the other kids (again people I grew up with that are losers.) and has no life. Then I start thinking, why do I dislike my life so badly? Here, I have all these things that people wish they had and I dislike my life? What the hell is wrong with me? Then I thought back to me and Matt's conversation last night how I'm struggling with money and he wants me to find a more high paying job. Me having to explain to him that this is what I feel like I should be doing. He wants me to see if I can get paid more at a different child care center. I know I can't start out more than 10 dollars an hour... so of course that led to him telling me that I need to find a different job. And I know he is just trying to encourage me to get more money so I can go out more and spend a little more money on myself since I deserve it but I love my job. How many people out there love their jobs? I know Matt doesn't. So again, and I know I have written an entry about this before, but I think this is something that all of us need to continually need to be reminded about, but be thankful for what you have. I have a lot. And seeing Victor today just made me realize how much I really have. And it's really sad that I have to see that and have to call someone a loser pretty much, in order to understand how truly blessed I am.

And I don't want any misunderstanding... My life is not perfect. If there is anyone out there that has read my many entries (Aaron lol) or anyone else... or those of you that have not and no nothing about my life and this is the first entry you have read, my life is far from perfect... I'm separated from my husband, who I miss and love dearly and yes, we are trying to work out our marriage, but that's the hardest thing I have ever done. I told people and him that I would much rather go through anything else I thought was hard, high school, my break-up with an ex-fiance, the death of my grandpa, then go through this heartbreak of not living with my husband day after day... yeah sure we're "together" if you want to call it that... but see this is harder... Matt and I have gone all the way... we got married! Then we had to take the biggest step backwards and start over from the very beginning... and when you have already married someone, and lived with them it's the hardest thing. Yeah, I should be thankful I even still have him in my life, and yeah I was and I am, but there will always be that one part of me that will want it all back no matter what. Matt and I would never be able to just be bf and gf until we decide someday to get remarried... that would not be ok for us... I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I don't want any "I'm sorry" comments b/c I'm fine. I will have my husband back shortly, things are looking up, but that doesn't mean that everyday is not hard. I just want someone reading this to learn something... all I do when I write these things is try to make people think a little bit about their lives and the lives of others. It's thinking that get people places... (and it's also thinking that get people like me in trouble lol) 

Anyways, these were just some things that I was thinking about. I love to write and wish that someday it will help and/or inspire someone...