GurlInLuv's Diary

He Completes Me

so things have been changing a lot lately. and well i haven't written for a while so i figured that tonight would be a good night for that. so matt and i are still separated, however, we are "dating" each other again to see if we can fix our relationship... as matt stated tonight we're not trying to fix our marriage... he clearly specified that we are trying to fix out relationship. he always has to clearly clarify everything. whatever... anyways, i don't know he is such a suspicious person it's strange. like i have learned that he really likes to keep things to himself. his life, what he does throughout his day... he doesn't really share. the thing that irritated me tonight was that me and him made plans to hang out, we were going to try and go out or something. well he calls me tells me that he has a bad stomach ache and that he's stuck in the bathroom. he kept calling me back b/c he had to keep running to the bathroom. then he said he was going to eat a piece of bread and drink some soda to see if that would settle his stomach... he had also taken some medicine. he said he would call me when he was done with that. well two hours go by and still no call so i decided to call him. no answer. half an hour i call no answer. i call one more time then i get a text message from him saying that he'll be over in an hour and that he wants me to go rent a movie. this was not what i wanted to do tonight. i wanted to go out with him for once b/c he had shown interest in it and him and i have never gone out together in the whole almost two years that he has been in my life. (well we out to dinner for our wedding but that was it). anyways... so i text him back asking him what he was doing and he said that he was eating. i thought he had a stomach ache. whatever. i decide to go get a movie... when i get there i discover that there is nothing really new out and the movie i picked i was worried he had already seen b/c his parents are constantly renting movies and the movie i picked was horror and he loves those movies. so i try calling him... no answer... i try texting him... no answer... i try calling again...no answer. so i just rented the movie. i had to go to taco bell on my way home b/c i'm on antibiotics right now and i need to take it with food and we have no food in our apartment right now. he calls me on my way there and i didn't answer the first time... on purpose. he called again and i wasn't going to answer again but this time i did. and he told me he was at my apartment and wanted to know where i was. i told him and said i would be there in a little bit. i told him that what movie i got and thank god he hadn't seen it. anyways, when i get home i kinda have an attitude b/c i'm a little irritated (keep in mind i have a sinus infection right now so i'm kinda irritable). so i was kinda irritated with the whole situation. he could tell told me i had an attitude and there started our normal arguments which was what i didn't want. so i put a stop to it... he kept saying he was going to leave... stupid stuff. we came inside... luckily stacey got home when she did b/c matt was outside smoking when she came in and kinda got my mind off of what was going on with matt and i and started talking to me about her drama. so i was then in a better mood.

this is all so hard though. i love matt so much yet at the same time i hate him and the things he does. i mean he's a great guy... i don't know. i just keep going back to him. maybe i'm comfortable i don't know. but so far so good. and i love the crap outta him.

i just can't see myself with anyone else. and even though i didn't really wanna watch a movie tonight it was a really good movie that i picked out and i had a pretty good time. i'm glad he came over and i'm glad we got to watch a movie together. i apologized later for the way i acted. i guess i'm just still having a trust issue b/c of the everything that has happened between matt and me. i'm scared he's just gonna up and leave me again like before. this whole situation is hard. but it feels right. nothing and no one else felt right. matt feels right.

 it just feels like he completes me. (thats for you aaron... i could think of a lot more things to say i'm kinda falling asleep... pretty much the whole letter is how i feel about matt... except the making the world stand still thing... and the heartbeat that moves me... yeah i think those were the ones i really didn't like... lol) sorry inside joke guys between me and aaron! and you guys are on the outside! lol

i don't know. i guess life is going ok right now. i just hope everything works out ok. well i'm off to bed... i can't keep my eyes open anymore. i have got to remember to start writing in this more often... it makes me feel better. adios!