Escapist's Diary

Let's FastForward

Let's speed past the summer...see what happens in the fall.

Perhaps I can sleep thru today, tomorrow, thru it all. I can't wait! It all seems so long. i just started a job, but I want it over. I want to know when it can be over. I want to step up, go over the top. reach my goals. Soon.

I want to spend less time in the car and more time with Mouse. I want to love him more, and be closer to him. The moments we share...they are unbelievable. and honestly, i cannot believe them when I am so far away. 5 more weeks? 6 tops? That seems like forever. Honestly. No one knows?? Sure, others have lovers that live far away. Soldiers and salesmen and actors and truck drivers and who knows. But, do they have pain? Do they have waiting? Do they fill their lives with other people other things other times...??  I dont know how. I can't move on i'm so depressed. I have friends? Here? I don't know. I did. I could. I will have friends in the fall.

I want money. I don't want to work. I want to have a meaningful job...that makes money. i want to learn every day but i dont want to sit in the lecture hall. When does my life begin? so many years in school...how many is it now?? 16 or 17 surely not 20...but getting there. Sooner or later it will reach higher than that.

I want to speed by tomorrow..I want the answers to the future. I want the faith and the courage and the reasurrence for it all. I don't want to cry over lonliness. I don't want to cry over pain.

I want my 5 year plan to be over. i want to know how it will end. I don't know where I"ll be in 3 years. Do you? if you do, you are lucky, if you don't youre ever luckier.

WE can be anything. We can also be nothing. I feel like i'm more of the latter.

i give up. time wins...