Escapist's Diary

I can't do this

so...I love Mouse...Don't get me wrong. Very much. Very very much. However...Today...Mr. P called from ND and left a message on the answering maching for my father. I bet he doesnt know that I'm here. I bet he doesnt care...however, I was very happy that I did not answer the phone when he called and instead screened it...becuase...it's complicated.

I once told mouse that the only other guy i loved was Mr. P from ND...and there he was...and the old heart fluttered up and my mind drifted back to the good old days of the two of us gazing up at the stars and my mom calling me and reminding me of reality. There was no reality between Mr P and me...nothing...we didn't have anything, but we were...i dont know...we never did anything...nothing more than wrestled, which could have been nothing. but to a 16 year old girl...it was everything. right, i was 16. or was i 17 by then? anyway, that was 5 years ago! and my heart still beats a little faster when i hear his name in a conversation. i'm lame.

But, I'm happy with mouse, remember? So why am I fighting the urge to add him to Facebook and stalk him like none other. I really doubt Mouse would be comfortable with me chatting him up. Especially since I suck at secrets and i've been fighting with him a lot lately....distance...it makes things hard. especially since i can't see him for another 4 weeks! i'm lonely, and sad, and curious. what's going on with Mr. P from ND?

I guess i feel too much guilt to add him to facebook. Plus there's a pic of him and a girl on his profile...which might mean that he's happy...and i dont want to mess things up for him. but, i do want to explore the past and kick up some dust...what's he like now? what was he like then?

God, i pray to you, give me the strength to stay faithful to Mouse in every way. I dont want it to be like how it was with XB and Green. Me being with XB and lying to him while green and i made plans to run away together. at least those plans never happened...and now i'm with Green's friend...old roommate. oh, the drama. i wish i had never heard Mr. P from ND's voice!!! I hate this!!