Escapist's Diary

Right?

Every Spring I am tortured by depression. Waking up, showering, eating, moving, it's all a challenge made difficulut by the dark sky, cold weather and the blankness everywhere. Summer brings hope. Autumn brings life. Winter brings rest. And then it starts over.

Here I am, in a place I've been before. Situations the same, people the same. I'm the same. I hate that. I want to grow out of this. I want to move on. But no matter how many times I move, I am the same. Everything is the same.

I pray for progress. I pray for movement. I pray that one day I will wake up and be strong enough to know who I am so I can beat this. But I don't know who I am. I don't know what my personality is. I don't know my strengths or my weakness. Because...because I am unable to see me as a whole.

Mouse sees me as a whole. He loves me as a whole. He loves me seperately too. How can he see what I fail to see? How can he believe in something (or I guess someone) who cannot function as a person. He knows my weakness. He loves me despite the scars and my inner hate. He cries for me when I cannot. He cries for me when I cannot stop. He loves me. But why in the world?

Why?

Why?

I wake up in the morning dreading the day but living for the night. The time comes when I can talk to him. Just for a short time...and it's a struggle to make it that far. Every night it's harder and harder to hang on. To what? To wait for a call I get from him to exchange daily nonsense and discuss politics, religion, economics, sex, love, life...what's left of life. Life is hard.

Hard.  Where are the jobs? Where is the money? Is getting an education even worth it when my job is being taken away, will it be given back. they  say that life is all about cycles. Decline is followed rising and followed by falling back into something we all knew about. Something that has happened before, yet everyone has forgotten. Was it so very long ago...the late 70's early 80's. Did everyone forget the 20's everything was bought on credit. Your word not your money. History, like my depression, repeats itself.

And here I am writing about not learning from our past. Why can't I learn from my past? Why do I see the patterns but can't connect the dots. Fill in the blank. Color by number. Hidden picture and I SPY. What the fuck?

I need something to make me complete. Where is it? I run every day, but indulge is junk food. I read all the time, but it's trash. Every movie I watch, every paper I read, every song I hear....what does it mean?

I am on the fast track to nowhere. A 5 year plann that is followed by another, never reaching the ultimate goal because it is always being taken away. Moved to some back burner on someone else's stove...

And that's it. No, it's not it. I don't know.