Escapist's Diary

I forgot

So, I forgot that I had this problem. At one time I brought this up to my counselor and he told me that it wasn't exactly what I thought it was. However, I believe it is true.

I have a control problem. He told me I had an identity problem. Is that the same? But I was thinking about several things that happened this weekend that made me rediscover this flaw I've always had.

1. I hate drinking too much because I don't want to lose control
2. 60% of the reason I am still a vegetarian is because I want to prove others wrong and I must keep up my image.
3. I dislike it when Mouse loses track of his attention
4. I hate surprises. Seriously, they stress me out. How to react. What to think. I need to prepare myself for them.
5. I separate my food so that it doesn't touch. I can only eat peanuts by themselves.
6. I plan out my future like none other. And then it scared me to get married because he might ruin  my plans. :(

oh, and that I had to NUMBER that list. I don't know. It just bugs me that I flipped out on Mouse tonight because I lost control. And it was something so minor that sent my head spinning back to the days when XB would complain about me being so controlling. So well planned out. I made budgets all the time and other various annoying habbits.

And the sad thing about this is that I can't explain it to Mouse. He doesn't get it. He can't understand. Because what he sees isn't me. And I know it, I tell him that... I wish I had more confidence in explaining my world to him. I wish he could see what I think, how I react and how I function sometimes. Could he ever understand? Does controlling the control issue help?

Sadly, control issues is the least of my worries some times.