Diary so i've been going thru a rough time (shocker!) and i dont know, i kind of wanted some support or someone to rant to or someone to react. and mostly this is going to have to do with moving to MI vs staying a resident of MN and mouse.
i'm really upset that i might not be moving to MI and i keep complaining to mouse and all i'm getting is that in a few years it will be ok. or yesterday i asked him what he thought about if i stay in MN and he said that i should do what i need to do. but there is no emotion in his statements. he's not giving me anything, but maybe he's not giving me what i want?
and the real question is, how much attention should i really be expecting? how many emotions should i want displayed? because really, i want a guy who is going to remember every test i take and when i said a presentation sucked i want him to ask why and how i felt instead of just saying i'll do better next time. but is that possible? do guys think that way? i mean, mouse asks me how my day went...is that enough? what is enough? what is too much to ask for?
anyway, we had this big long conversation last night about how he's not being emotionally supportive enough of me right now and how it's been getting worse and whatnot...and then we had a really good normal conversation after that about schools and you know, a real conversation. then we both stayed in last night and watched comedy central and he played some games and i watched girl tv and then we went to bed. i was so excited because that's what i wanted. just a real conversation where we listen to each other's sides and we talked about the future some and it was sooo nice.
but then this morning we went back to the whole "i miss you" and "i love you" kind of stuff...which is good i guess, but after an hour he checked his email, which is fine, we both usually check our email during our conversations....but then he started playing a game while he was on the phone. and i got really upset because we had just had this long converstaion about me not getting what i wanted or thought i needed...and then i freaked out and got off the phone.
anyway, he thinks i deserve better than this. but really, isnt this normal guy behavior? they can only give so much, and then they shut off, right? am i expecting something too perfect? does he think that it's possible to give someone undivided attention for hours?
the important thing is, i dont notice this when we're together in person. long distance relationships suck. because if i'm upset while we're together he can just look at me and know. then maybe we'll go and cuddle and after awhile we'll talk about it and cuddle some more and he rarely plays video games when i'm around. in fact, his attention span is a lot better when i'm there.
so i'm frustrated. what should i expect from this relationship? answers anyone?
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This user only allows logged in JEMDiary users to comment on their diary. Log in to comment.thoughts
Added: April 15, 2007, 9:48 amBy: Aaron (My Internal Thoughts)
Wow, there is a-lot to comment about here - when I read it the first time I was at work - and then I thought ... maybe she won't like to hear my view points... but here goes anyways.
(oh and just for you and old times, I'm listening to the verve pipe's 'freshmen' ... draw that connection line. hah)
"You need to do what you've gotta do" - This is the reply from a guy who is not fully committed to you - and in a dating relationship - not all are fully - it just depends on the length of the relationship and the risk the guy is willing to take. Let me explain: When a guy starts putting in input on what he thinks you should do (instead of telling you to do what you need to) he's doing two things 1) in his eyes, he might be taking away some of your independence and has to put up with the chance that some day you might realize that and get pissed at him [ex: independent women freak out when a guy starts making all the decisions - "i don't need a guy to decide things for me"] and 2) hes' taking an extreme stake in your relationship, but more importantly, your future. If he says something, its what he wants. You, being a girl and liking the boy, tend to take their opinion to heart just a tad more than is rational (but thats how we're made - and thats why women make such wonderful wives, right? - its their supportive trusting part of a relationship that rocks), and he knows that if he gives his opinion, you are more likely to act on his opinion - and depending on how strong you are as a person, you may actually take his opinion over your own [ex: all those chick movies you see where the girl decides to goto the college with her boy instead of following her own dreams - and it all turns into crap]. So by telling you to do what you need to do, thats his way of encouraging you to make the decisions and he'll do his guy-best to support you. Now, your first thought about the first sentence was most likely a negative conotation about committment - but in all reality, its not meant ot be negative. Its a subconsious reaction from the guy to choose the most rational point from his level of committment to the relationship.
"how much attention should I be expecting" This is different between all guys. guy gives too little and he's an ass. he gives too much and he's smothering. And this is all relative to the woman who's doing the measurement of him. It sounds like you've got a guy who's on the end of showing less interest in the things you do and the specifics - more of a rock type of guy. Now, once again, this is not bad, this is just different than maybe what you want. These 'rock' type of men, although less persistent with conversation, offer other benefits. And they also leave more room for yout o find female friends and share your feelings with them (females also seem to understand girls better, no matter how sharing a guy becomes). In summary, however, you need to decide, in my opinion, what is most important to get out of a guyh - how important is this back and forth detailed conversatiosn. If it is more important and you need more than your'e getting, you have to take this up with the man. If he changes to facilitate this, great. If he doesn't, you have to decide if its REALLY that imporatnt to you or if he's not the right man for you anymore (and don't let your liking him affect this decision... you'll be more pained later on if you allow the potential present distress of moving on to affect your decisions). If its not important from a guy anymore, you must find girls that you can ttalk to about yoru thoughts (Psychology Today I believe posted a study on how, in girls, 10 minutse or more of conversation releases the same hormones as sex in the pleasure sense area)
You can find other guys that pay more attention - for example, my best friend and I talk alot on the phone - you might consider it a long-distance friendship - we see each other from time to time - but not often. And i think we do a pretty good job of keeping the conversations going... and at least I HOPE I'm digging into the details enough when she talks. However, this isn't a 1 to 1 conversation, because we're jsut friends... but Im saying, there are a range of men out there to choose from - so the thought that they don't exist is false. Soemtimes it takes clear communication to them to tell them how its gonna be (this had happened in my friend's relationship with me: one time she told me to tell her about my life - cuz I never really said anything). So I point to my previous point - you have to make it clear to the men too - we are far from mind readers - and we take hints very bad.
anyways those are my thoughts - they're in no way in finality a picture of men - but they're what I think. Give me a comment or IM or something if you have more questions :) or if you disagree! :)