Escapist's Diary

my new problem...or an old one i guess

So, i think this is just going to be a mash of all the things i've been thinking about writing but havent gotten around to. i have some time to kill before i get going...so this is what i'll do....ok.

I have this thing with my weight. I have worked hard to lose 30lbs...and then i gained 10lbs back over like a month and a half and then i lost that again....this is really frustrating to me because i'm losing all this progress i could have been making. then over this past spring break i gained 3lbs because all i was doing is sitting in a car and eating an insane amount of food. so, now i'm back to being drepessed about my weight and trying to lose it all over again! i want to lose 12lbs by graduation...which is about 50 days away...which...let me think about that...like 7 weeks...which is very doable considering i could lose 14lbs in that amount of time.  the sad thing is, i'm so upset with my weight. i used to be so proud of it. and now i look at myself in the mirror and i see the person who actually weighs 30lbs more!! what am i going to do? plus, since mouse is so thin, it doesnt help me any. he just sent me a pic with his shirt off and it made me sad that i'm as big as i am (which isn't big at all, i fall in the normal healthy range of weight) Grrrrrr!!!!

Anyway, in order to fulfill my 12lb goal, i've decided that jogging at 7am is a good idea and walking home every day is a must. we'll see where i'm at soon enough and see if it works. but why do i have to feel so fat? every once in awhile i'll catch myself in the mirror and think that i'm not that fat....however, when i'm staring at myself i'm really really fat. why can't losing weight take a lot less time? and why in the world can't it just stay off!?

 ok, so i think that's enough about weight. on to my next subject ( i have a feeling this will be a long entry)

 God is given a lot of emptry promises. i was thinking on my way home that i would give anything to God to have NMU keep their program. I would want more than anything in the world to just move up there and be with Mouse forever and ever. He makes me ridiculously happy and i wish i could see him more! But the last time i asked God for something I said I would start volunteering more. and i really have only volunteered once since that promise was made. i'm pretty sure that doesnt fulfill that requirement. but, does God care how much? I mean, a lot of ppl promise things like they'll change and they'll never do XX again...however, i wanted to add something to my life. and i don't know even if i could manage to add it to my life since i didn't like a lot of the volunteering i did last year.

 So is God going to grant me my deepest desires? will he influence anyone and allow the program to continue?  or is He upset with me because i didnt follow thru with my promise?

i'm sad. i want to move up there more than any other place. and it's for a good cause! i guess i could just drop out of college and move up there anyway....

 ok, next topic...hmm, what should it be...

yesterday i had a stomach ache and in 5sec flat i was convinced i was pregnant. depressing i know. but my boobs are sore too, which i notice when i'm running in the morning. maybe it is just because it's so early in th emorning. what if i went running now? would they hurt? anyway, i was scared and now i'm not as scared....but still scared. i should bring this up to Mouse, but i really really don't want to scare him. mostly because he worries about a lot of things and he's having trouble with two of his classes. i dont need to distract him.

 Next subject:

it's spring outside!!!

i  dont actually like spring...but i don't like when it's cold and there is no snow. i can't wait for spring to be over with. i hate the mud and the gross grass etc etc.

finally

school is coming to an end. i went to gradfest to get my cap and gown and get some notes to make invitations with. i'm excited to be done and over with and to move out of this house. i have no intentions of staying here this summer and i should probably talk to someone about that. however, i'm too shy to even talk to them about it! maybe they will bring it up? or maybe i'll just leave a note?

anyway, i learned a lot living in this house...i have stranger anxiety issues and i'm very very shy. they are great girls, but really, i get so anxious when i'm around them. i hate that. my new roommate has to be more like me. i wish i knew where i was going to be living so i could put out an ad about finding a roommate. i don't want a serial killer!!

 ENOUGH FOR NOW. I'LL CATCH UP AGAIN LATER :)