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Escapist's Diary

I ate a pint of ice cream today (pb cup)

Added: November 19, 2006, 11:04 pm  (66 views)
Can i disconnect?
can i look at mouse's profile tonight without seeing him? and if i read it, without knowing him, would he want to be someone i wanted to get to know?
i went to see borat tonight with Dibz
i didnt like the movie, but mouse cannot wait to see it. our humor is different...but i laugh when i'm talking to him.
i'm scared of Dec. 1st.
Can i look at him with clear eyes? or am i already wearing rose colored glasses? will i try him out, or am i already decided? does this have to work? what if it doesnt work? what happens if it does?
I'm so confused since mouse is not here and i have time to think. time to miss him and time to miss me. i've already changed since i've met him. why could i not have found myself completely before him. who am i? why do i claim to know? will mouse aide me in my search? will he mold me or help me?
23 hours until he calls. if he calls. i hope he calls. i will probably cry on the phone to him.
i got an email from him last night. i was not expecting that. it's been 72 hours! only 72 hours! should i miss him this much? or is this a fake kind of miss.
i know that i don't love him. i've already decided that. but can i love him? i told him some day i might. he agreed. why does he have to be so perfect? is he perfect for me? or is he just the oppisite of XB, enough of an oppisite to intrigue me??
is he thinking of me right now?
should i be thinking about him?
what if december 1st never comes.....what if mouse and i stay frozen in time...never going anywhere, always waiting for soemthing that could have been. should have been. shouldnt have been?
i wish he was here. i want to share so much with him. it's hard to know if he's for real. who stays up until 3am on the phone tho? who writes 3 emails a day to a person? who sends a picture at any given moment just because they were asked? who colors pictures, writes letters, writes stories, makes a coupon booklet (that was so cute) who worries about me, who feels my pain, who cares about everything i do, who stands by my side, who listens to me? why does he do this? should he be doing this? he's only 19! i would be his first everything pretty much. is that fair to him? is that fair to me?

what do i want?

God, you know what to do.

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