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Cerabee's Diary

All caught up

Added: January 10, 2006, 5:57 am  (61 views)
About the moment it hits you. A happy moment, usually in the middle of the night. And you wish, you just wish, you and some way to express it. I, myself, wished with all my heart in that one moment that I could reach out and have enough talent to play the guitar well enough to explain in melody what’s tracing through my every vein, leaving a trail of blue.
Wow. And it turns out I was wrong. It does hurt.
Shivers in my stomach telling me I’m hollow, hollow, hollow again...I’m sorry///I love you//im so sorry....
Again and again the words pound at my ears until they ring, until they bleed...or sometimes I just wish they would....
I lost you. It’s too late, I lost you, I lost you.
So it really was all for nothing. You warned me, you told me from the beginning no? You said...but then..I never did believe you. So I lost you.
It’s all falling down around me now. The will, the strength, the past. Your promise, Al, your threat. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. But sometimes we have to hurt ourselves.
***I hurt myself so you can’t*********
But it doesn’t always work that way does it? No, no really it never does. You hurt me anyways. Always. All ways. Remember when you punched the wall beside my head....that was as close as you would ever come to hitting a girl, ever. Remember how I begged you to hit me, please, please, for I knew it would have hurt so much less than what you were doing to my insides.
I’m crying. It’s been so long..it’s almost a relief. Why didn’t you just hit me, Jeff. Why didn’t you just hit me.

But no, you never would. You hurt, you hurt to, as bad as I did on the inside. And so you punched at the wall for bloody relief, and I caught as many as I could. My fault. All this pain and it was my fault.
All of it. You, you hurt, and it was my fault. I never meant that. I could never stand that.
I’m sorry. I’m so bloody sorry....


So please don’t tell me. Please don’t tell me now, for we both know that I don’t want to know. I know you like her and I know I love you but it doesn’t make any sense somehow. It didn’t hurt. What are we? Are we finally, after all this, turning out to be just friends?
Friends who are capable of passion so fierce it could rip us both apart and tear our lives to shreds?
Oh, dear god, but you don’t know how rare what we had-have?-is. It’s a fairytale, powerful, unbelievable love. Not everyone even sees it. And we, the both of us, held it in each other.
I taught you how to love. You taught me what that meant.
I’m sorry, Jeff. I’m so sorry.....

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