Subscribe to RSS

Cerabee's Diary

Why...?

Added: January 10, 2006, 5:51 am  (53 views)
I should really go to sleep. Right. Sleep. Truth is, I’m not really so much of a sleeper. But I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now. It’s just not a part of my daily schedule. Wait, that’s a lie. It is a part of my daily; just not a part of my nightly.
Whatever. Cuddling a purring kitten at three is my personal heaven. Add a whole new season of smallville, (tom welling! ALL NIGHT! Alright!!!!) A huge stash of chocolate, oranges, and those butter pretzels I’m addicted to, plus coke, and, well....
Let’s just say I have better things to do than sleep all night! Which, unfortunately, isn’t true about my devastatingly boring daytimes. So then I sleep.
God I love kittens. And puppies. Anyway, sleep. This could become an issue. However, having reached the point where there’s more caffeine in my blood system then there is actual blood, I know I won’t be sleeping anytime soon. So it leaves me this: New Video game, or more Tom Welling?? Ah, but life is so hard. If I take the VG option I’ll stop and have a little tree time, probably go outside and give the dogs a little after-midnight snack. But I have a purring kitty in my lap. Wouldn’t movement be kind of sacrilegious??
More midnight Tom Welling. Hey, I resisted all day. Give a girl a break, huh?
Anyway, on the friends and potential lovers plot, he called Al. Which is not only exactly what she and I wanted him to do, and not just un-freaking-believable, but it’s great, too. Great. I can’t believe they’re friends again! Well, speaking, anyway. No relationship is perfect. I just hope it works out this time. Better. Longer. Unless they start sleeping together again....but no, she still doesn’t live here, I’m overreacting. Besides. I really don’t know about their sleeping together, seeing as I’m under pain of death if I release the information to the general public. Which I just did. But honestly speaking, how many of you know who I’m talking about? All of about none. So all is well, the secret is safe.
It’s fulfilling that they’re ok again. I knew they would be from the moment I read his mood off when he called me, but I didn’t really see it coming from the presents. Except in my wildest dreams. And how often do those come true for any of us?
Isn’t it weird that one of my wildest and fondest wishes was for my current (and virtually permanent) love interest and my best friend (well, one of them) to kiss and make up? Ugh. Weird. But it’s nice, not to have to hear the pain in her voice when he is mentioned. Which he always is. Usually by her.
SO he’s leaving tomorrow. Er, today. At tennish. Mofo! I wanted to see him, subtly remind him I want special treatment on my birthday. I could leave it to fate, but only half the job would get done then. I just want him to call. That’s really all I need. Well, it’s not a need. But a selfish birthday wish. Someone tell me to dream on.
I’m weird. I’m happy, as it is. Content. Love watching smallville and pigging out in bed. But I can’t help wishing I wasn’t doing it alone. I could have snuck out to see him. I can’t believe how much I wish I had. Maybe I’ll call him at his dad’s.... but it’s really not likely. I wish he wasn’t going but...that’s to much to ask for, again. He didn’t go last time. God is not that kind, and I already played my wish to Santa.
But one more time, for old times sake?

He’s gone. He must be gone, since I suspect (hope) he would have told me if he was not. But of course, holding out hope I am. Sam. Sam I am.
Continuing like this is going to get me a permanent case of insomnia. I was playing that VG, but I died and I don’t have the heart to start again. Damn. I lost a lot of data on that one.
School is going to be murder. So’s tomorrow. Keith was supposed to take me boarding, but his car broke down so that’s shot. So I’m getting to stay up all night again. Yay! It’s stupid, really, that my favourite part of the day... is night. I’m living on approx two hours of sleep a day here. Can’t be healthy. Added to my current eating habits, and, oh, shiiit... So is the freedom to play all night worth a young death? Can smallville and video games possibly be worth years off my life?
Well. Like I have to ask. But I mean, honestly.... it’s a little sad that yes, yes I would die young for chocolate and a few hours of freedom. What is it James dean said? Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse... Freedom which would be even greater with the net at home, for then I could talk to my pals, too. And meet new ones who, hopefully, live at night like me.
Oh, I shudder with the joy of it!
No, seriously. It’d be wicked fun to stay all night with other people. Oh, don’t I just wish. Too bad about school though. I’d be freaking fine if I had an alarm clock, not that dad believes that for a second. Jerk. Well, half the time he’s freaking awesome, taking me hunting and stuff. But the other half of my personality he hates. Thinks I’m lazy. Which I am. But I mean, throw it in my face whydoncha.
Actually, I’m not really a lazy person. It’s just that a lot of the things I enjoy immensely are inside, and sit down activities. We can’t all be workaholics. And actually, if I were a cut and dried worker bee, I’d never leave the laptop screen anyway. So poo on him.
Sigh... I didn’t expect it, not one bit, that I would start missing him. Maybe I didn’t before because I knew I could call. Now, I can call, but...he’s a long way from Kansas. And it’s also sad that I’m seriously contemplating bussing or making mom drive to Smithers so I can pass through Prince George and see him. Even if it’s only for an hour. I wish he’d call on my birthday. He won’t, though. I’m working on getting over it in advance.
How pathetic is that? Good god, a girl shouldn’t have to get over things in advance with a guy she likes, loves. Ish. But then, he and I were always many things, but not one of them was normal. Per say.
I wonder what he’d do if I told him that the last two times we made out it was only after I’d already had a warm up. He knows, ish, that I have my way with other boys. But not in front of or around him. I know how that feels and even though there would be a lot of petty enjoyment in it, I would never do that to him. In spite of my being a not very nice person and all. But god damn, I want to talk to him. Even al. Actually, I REALLY want to know what went on between him and Al. I bet anything he called her, which is not only great because it means they’ll be friends again, it’s super great because it means he can’t just turn people he loves into strangers like he said he could and it’s absolutely fantasmagoric because it also means he’s not all gone. (Note: fantasmagoric is my own word, and not to be confused with phantasmagoric, which is an entirely different word and meaning. My version of fantasmagoric means, roughly, fantastic, rather than a series of artistic juxtapositions.) Maybe, probably, it’s the freedom from school that’s doing it. I know it’s making me back into me, too. Funny. I was so sure and confident and trying so hard to get him or to find the strength to do without that I lost me. I don’t need him now. I could honestly be utterly happy with us being friends. But we’re not very good at that. This may be a beginning, though. That’s why I want to talk to him now, before I see his face and everything changes. I like him, now, but it’s different again. It’s... oh, my god, it’s happy. ‘Let’s go back to a time thinking about you didn’t hurt...’
If ever we had an actual shot at this, it’s now. So now is when I want to try. I know we could be together. We could be great together. But... um, I don’t know. But what, again?
But what?

Make a list, she says. Make a list. Of everything you need in a man, any boy, make a list. Fine, I say. I’ll do it for you. But don’t expect it to change anything... I don’t, so don’t you.
She wants me to see that he’s not enough. She wants me to see that I can do better than that, that he as I loved him is dead. But I can’t. What can I say? Love makes you blind. Blind, deaf and painfully dumb.
I knew, I’ll give it that. But I didn’t know for sure; until she confirmed it. Thanks bucket loads. No really. But... well, it hurt. I let myself get hurt again. I don’t know what to do again. I want to leave but I want to be with him but I don’t want to hurt I want to run and I want to forget it would all be so easy.... just to sleep, all I really want is sleep, but then I dream the painful dreams again....
If Marjorie is making you not even want to talk to other girls why are you calling me?

Newest    Previous    Next    Oldest    

Create Comment.

Title:

Body:


Author: