Akitsuki's Diary

I Can't Do This Anymore

I can't just sit back quietly living in a house with an alchoholic. I've reached my breaking point after fourteen years and I've come so close to running away or commiting suicide it's not even funny. I'm truly beginning to hate my father. I want to scream at him and for once force him to see things for the way they really are. He needs to quit caring about only himself and care for his children. My brother's literally scared of him now that's how bad things are.

Earlier I went to Wal Mart with him and my brother. He kept asking us if we wanted snacks like chips, candy, or ice cream. He offered to get Coke for us and said we should just get a two liter bottle. I know for a fact that he wasn't doing it for my brother and I, but so he could get beer. He insisted that we get something from the candy aisle and not at the front register and I knew it was because there wasn't beer at the front of the store.

I'm so tired of staying quiet and pretending like I'm happy with my family. I stopped telling my dad I love him. I know I might regret it, but I'll tell him I love him, too, when he says it to me when he's sober. I'm going to write on his beer cans telling him to quit and saying I can't believe he's drinking again. I know how to lay heavy guilt trips and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Nothing else is making him stop and I'm so fucking tired of it all. I'm keeping all his beer cans and marking the date on them so he can see just how much he's drinking in a week alone. I'm going to do whatever it takes for him to listen because I'm not going to be here for much longer and if I leave with our relationship the way it is it'll never be okay. He won't even go to family counseling. I hate living in this situation.